The illusion of fine
“How are you?” - they ask.
“I’m fine.” - you respond.
You never say what you really feel. You never say “I feel empty.”
Maybe you have been ignoring this feeling too long. Maybe it’s so much your reality by now that you don’t even realize this could be anything else.
Slowly, “I feel empty” becomes your “I’m fine”.
Slowly, you become invisible, even for yourself.
This common response is a core behavior we often use to mask our true feelings. And it happens quietly: first, probably completely unconscioulsy, you start suppressing your needs, shelving your emotions, and telling the world: “I’m fine.” Then slowly, you forget that it could be anything else. You feel more and more empty and this emptiness becomes your “fine”.
At first, it’s a survival strategy. Eventually, it becomes a habit. And then, without noticing, it becomes your identity.
For many of us, this pattern is too familiar. You’re the reliable one, the caretaker, the problem-solver. You’re praised for your strength and selflessness, your nothing is impossible mentality. - And slowly, your feelings and desires shrink and fade away to make room for everyone else’s.
If you pause and observe yourself, you might notice:
You’re always “fine,” even when you’re not.
You say yes when you want to say no. Or maybe you don’t even know anymore what you want.
You struggle to remember what you actually enjoy in life.
Your children / partner / colleagues see you mainly in your caretaker role, not as a whole, feeling person.
But this is not just about feeling unfulfilled. Over time, suppressing your needs and emotions can lead to:
Emotional numbness: You stop feeling, both the bad and the good.
Burnout: Chronic self-neglect eventually catches up with your body and mind.
Emotional overflow: Unexpressed needs don’t disappear; they turn into quiet anger or sadness.
Relationship distance: When you’re invisible to yourself, it’s hard for others to truly see you. Children may grow up viewing their mother as a function, not a person. Partners may feel shut out. Friendships can fade away. In work, you might be considered the quiet nerd.
Loss of identity: You forget who you are beyond your roles.
Health issues: The unexpressed needs and supressed emotions accumulate in your body, increasing the risks of serious illnesses.
Why “I’m fine” feels safer (but isn’t)
Saying “I’m fine” can feel like slipping on a familiar, protective coat. For many of us this phrase is a shield. It’s a way to keep things smooth, avoid conflict, and not “burden” others with our needs.
Fear of Rejection: If you’ve ever had your needs minimized or ignored in the past, you may have learned it’s safer not to ask. Over time, you internalize the idea that your needs are “too much” or “not important.”
Avoiding Vulnerability: Admitting you’re not fine means opening yourself up to vulnerability. That can feel risky, especially if you’ve learned (consciously or not) that showing needs and emotions leads to being dismissed, misunderstood, or judged.
Protecting Others: You might believe that expressing your needs will worry or inconvenience those around you. By saying “I’m fine”, you keep the peace and shield others from discomfort: your children, partner, colleagues, or friends.
Habit and Conditioning: Sometimes, “I’m fine” is simply what you’ve always said. It’s automatic, a reflex born from years of putting others first or being praised for your resilience.
However, the paradox is that by trying to keep everyone else comfortable, you end up feeling isolated and unseen. By saying “I’m fine” to protect yourself, you actually make yourself more vulnerable to loneliness and burnout.
Steps to gently reclaim your Self
This isn’t about swinging to the other extreme or making dramatic changes overnight. That would never work. It’s about small, consistent steps to reconnect with your needs and emotions, and to let yourself be seen, first by you, then by others.
1. Notice the pattern
Start with gentle self-observation. When do you say “I’m fine” automatically?
Pause for a moment before every “I’m fine”. Check-in with yourself: how do you really feel in that moment?
Try journaling at the end of the day: “How did I really feel today? What did I need that I didn’t express?”
2. Name one need each day
Each morning, ask yourself: “What do I need now?” It could be rest, connection, a walk, a cup of tea, a hug, or five minutes alone.
Write it down - even if you don’t act on it yet. The act of naming is powerful.
3. Practice micro-expression
If expressing needs feels scary, start small.
Instead of “I’m fine”, try: “I’m a bit tired today”.
Or, “I’d love to take a short walk alone after dinner”.
These “micro-expressions” build your confidence and gently signal to others that you’re a person with feelings and needs.
Even if this feels weird, keep doing it, again and again. You need to learn this - and others need it, too. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
4. Seek for support
If this feels overwhelming, remember: you are not alone. Reach out to a coach, therapist, or trusted friend. Sometimes, we need a witness to help us become visible again.
Don’t forget: you are more than the roles you fill.
You are allowed to have needs, feelings, and dreams - even if they don’t fit everyone else’s expectations.
Becoming visible starts with seeing yourself, gently and without judgment. One step at a time.
If this resonates, take three slow breaths. Place your hand on your heart. Ask yourself: What do I need now? And how can I honor that, just a little?